The painful and agonizing defeat of Donald J. Trump has been absolutely devastating.
Many supporters, unable to cope with reality, have chosen instead to end it all.
Messages Left Behind by the Nitwits, Scoundrels, Traitors and Cowards
& Other Trump Defenders Who Checked Out
NOTE: THE SUCIDE NOTES (First Series) ran daily from November 7, 2020, the day the U. S. presidential election was called for Joe Biden, through January 21 2021, the day after Biden's inauguration. Our thanks to all who were vigilant these last four years.
Paul Fericano, Editor
YU News Service
The Suicide Note of Donald J. Trump – January 21, 2021
Former president twice impeached, perpetrator of the Big Lie and man who once hoped to become a professional golfer in order to lose the U.S. Open and claim it was stolen.
“All you morons are like my flock of sheep. Rednecks. Bigots. Nut Jobs. Pea Pickers. Shut-Ins You all jump when I blow the whistle. Well, everybody has to die someday. I haven’t seen anybody yet that didn’t die. I own you. You think like I do. Only you’re more stupid than I am so I have to think for you. Look at the way you fucked up a simple coup. I could take chicken shit and sell it to you as caviar. I could make you eat dog food and think it was steak. It’s incredible. It’s really incredible. I made you this way. You’re like trained seals. You’re like gullible children. Toss you a dead fish and you flap your flippers. Pour you some Kool-Aid and you gulp it down. Good night you stupid idiots. I've tried my best to give you a good life. Good night you miserable slobs. I’m the best thing you’ll ever have.”
Donald J. Trump ended his life on the golf course at Mar-A-Lago after more than 900 of his loyal supporters and their children broke par several times over his head and buried his body in the bunker on the second hole.
The Suicide Note of Rush Limbaugh – January 20, 2021
Radio talk show host, man who lives in hermetically sealed room made entirely of cheese and only person in America with nobody left to trust and everyone left to hate.
“Hawley, I'd like to clue you in, young man. Don't be so gloomy. After all, it's not that awful. We almost pulled it off. But there will be other times. Other coups. You know what the fellow said – in Russia, for twenty years under Putin, they’ve had oppression, terror, murder and bloodshed, but they produced Alina Kabaeva, Ural Dumplings and Steven Seagal. In America, they’ve had brotherly love, rule of law and more than two centuries of liberty, justice and democracy – and what did that produce? Donald Trump. So long Hawley.”
Rush Limbaugh ended his life when he exaggerated the effects of his disease by hooking up his colostomy bag to his feeding tube.
The Suicide Note of Kayleigh McEnany – January 19, 2021
White House press secretary, graduate of Calumny College and former game show host of Sex, Lies, and Pee Tapes.
“Now that President Trump’s re-election has been certified, I look forward to attending his second inauguration tomorrow and serving four more years as his press secretary.”
Kayleigh McEnany ended her life when Sarah — who snuck out of the White House to seek revenge on Stephanie because of her affair with her father — got hit in the head with a shovel by Sean, believing she was actually Kayleigh. When Sean fled the scene, Melania stumbled upon the unconscious Sarah and buried her, who was technically still alive, because she thought Kellyanne did it and wanted to protect her lover. The identity confusion occurred because Sarah stole Jared’s clothes, who dressed and looked very similar to Kayleigh.
The Suicide Note of Ron DeSantis – January 18, 2021
Governor of Florida, founding member of the Freedom Caucus and last person seen not wearing a mask with his head up Trump’s ass looking for his political future.
“Hey, stronzolo. I’m a lawyer, a veteran, a catholic and Italian. Fuck with me and I’ll monkey you up so bad they’ll have to pass a law to find you. Did I mention I’m Italian?”
Ron DeSantis ended his life after his advisory board of scientific dissenters convinced him that COVID was a hoax and that it was now safe to jump off the roof of the governor’s mansion and fly away.
Trump’s former attorneys general, men who can't find their testicles and lawyers who smell of urine after visiting the White House.
“Undermining the special counsel, prioritizing politics over justice, interfering with impartial prosecutions and hindering congressional oversight. Did we leave anything out?”
Rod Rosenstein, Jeff Sessions and Matt Whitaker ended their lives when the car they were riding in suddenly veered off the road and slammed into Bill Barr.
The Suicide Note of Jim Jordan – January 16, 2021
Ohio congressman, guy with cauliflower head and man who can't wait to see what he can get for his Medal of Freedom on eBay.
“The Fake News won’t let this sedition shit die. They won't let me forget that goddamn coup for even one news cycle. They keep bringing up those guys and that college wrestling crap and that team doctor who was just having a little fun. They won’t shut up about the fucking insurrection. They go on and on about all the sweat and soap and slippery showers. I say let the riots play themselves out. Let Donald Trump be president for four more years. Let me coach again.”
Jim Jordan ended his life after he met former members of the Ohio State University wrestling team for drinks and later pushed himself off a trestle and into the path of a high speed freight train bound for ignominy.
The Suicide Note of Rick Scott – January 15, 2021
U.S. Senator from Florida, professional scammer and guy who invokes the Fifth Amendment whenever he's asked his name.
“Are we done here? I have to defraud Medicare this afternoon and I don’t want to be late.”
Rick Scott ended his life in a stranglehold after financial backers discovered that the $50 million dollars he invested in a fountain pen that could write under whipped cream, couldn’t.
The Suicide Note of Cynthia Lummis – January 14, 2021
U.S. Senator from Wyoming, Trump’s comb over adviser and eager investor in cryptocurrency who plans to enter the afterlife as one of the richest dead humanoids in the universe.
“I happen to know those weren’t Trump supporters rioting in the Capitol. I can personally vouch for each and every one of them. The bad things you saw people doing on TV? Those weren’t our patriots. Those were evil forces like Antifa, Amazons and Dumbledore's Army. But don’t take my word for it. Just ask another Klingon.”
Cynthia Lummis ended her life when she entered a bathroom she mistook for a teleportation machine and dematerialized herself after she flushed.
The Suicide Note of Tommy Tuberville – January 13, 2021
U.S. Senator from Alabama, former football coach & managing partner of hedge fund scam and one of hundreds of Republicans hoping to fly to Mar-A-Lago with Trump when he flees the Capitol on January 20.
"Let me be absolutely clear. My vote to overturn the 2020 presidential election was not a mistake. My vote to elect me to the U.S. senate was. Can I go now?"
Tommy Tuberville ended his life on the football field at Auburn University after he agreed to participate in a friendly scrimmage with the entire state of Alabama.
The Suicide Note of Roger Marshall – January 12, 2021
U.S. Senator from Kansas, Trump’s favorite OB/GYN and one of 146 Republicans to participate in a successful attempt to undermine and overthrow their own sanity.
“Wait a minute. I didn’t know I was voting against certifying the election. Honest to Christ. I thought I was voting to increase my salary. Trump won, right?”
Roger Marshall ended his life when he forced himself to lie on a table with his feet locked firmly in stirrups before giving himself a pelvic exam.
The Suicide Note of John Kennedy – January 11, 2021
U.S. Senator from Louisiana, guy who once saw a black man eating with a fork and person under a restraining order to keep away from the Kennedy Compound in Hyannis Port.
“Just because I engaged in a little disinformation, spread a few lies, helped instigate a coup, undermined our democracy and am guilty of sedition—that’s no reason to disregard the truth that there was widespread voter fraud during the election with mail ballots flying around like confetti. My country doesn’t ask what it can do for me, and I don’t ask what I can do for my country. Complain all you like. But until the rioting is finished, we don’t have a winner.”
John Kennedy ended his life after being told by his imaginary friends that he never wrote a book called “Profiles in Courage,” was never married to Jackie and that if he didn’t hurry he’d miss his flight to Dallas.
The Suicide Note of Cindy Hyde-Smith – January 10, 2021
U.S. Senator from Mississippi, only woman who believes Trump is sexy and person most often seen wandering into heavy traffic looking for stray cows.
“I’m feeling much better now. For a minute there I thought I was in trouble.”
Cindy Hyde-Smith ended her life after her vote to overturn the election of President-elect Joe Biden backfired and ricocheted off the steel plate in her head causing hundreds of Confederate monuments all across Mississippi to topple simultaneously.
The Suicide Note of Devin Nunes – January 9, 2021
California congressman, human casaba melon and person most often mistaken for a sock puppet.
“My ass is on fire! Quick! Somebody! Go ask Trump if I can have a glass of water!”
Devin Nunes ended his life when the Presidential Medal of Freedom he was wearing around his neck got caught on a nail that
he had hammered into his own head.
The Suicide Note of Kevin McCarthy – January 8, 2021
House minority leader, person jumping on and off bandwagon and mentally challenged brother of Charlie McCarthy.
“How did this arm get up my butt? I like it.”
Kevin McCarthy ended his life when hordes of constituents rushed the public restroom where he was hiding in order to hear him struggle to remember what he stood for.
The Suicide Note of Josh Hawley – January 7, 2021
U.S. Senator from Missouri, yesterday’s fish peddler and guy who seriously contemplated growing a beard to look more distinguished until he saw what it did for Ted Cruz.
“Who could have possibly known that promoting fake news and debunked claims about imaginary election fraud could lead to an unruly mob of Trump supporters storming the Capitol in a seditious attempt to destroy our democracy? Certainly not me.”
Josh Hawley ended his life when he endeavored to walk a tightrope from the Capitol dome to the White House and slipped as he tried to wipe the blood off his hands.
The Suicide ̷N̷o̷t̷e̷ Speech of Ted Cruz – January 6, 2021
Trump’s personal boot jack, first bearded lady to wear pants on the senate floor and person who wets himself on purpose.
When do I mean to cease abusing everyone’s patience? How long will this madness of mine still mock me? When is there to be an end of that unbridled audacity of mine, swaggering about as it does now? I brand me with the truest marks of infamy and hand myself down to the everlasting memory of a drink-sodden, bully-ridden wreck who never passes a day without orgies of the most repulsive kind flooding my lap and the whole party with bottles of booze-reeking food I had vomited up.
Do not the nightly orderlies placed outside my padded office keep watch over me? Do not the guards posted throughout these hollow chambers remain vigilant? Does not the iPhones and Twitter feeds of obedient inmates text me and follow me? And does not the precaution taken of electing me to this most indefensible place and the vicious words I speak here – does not any of it have any effect upon me?
Do I not feel that my plans are detected? Do I not see that my conspiracy is already exposed and rendered powerful by the knowledge that I alone possess? What is there that I did last night and the night before when twenty-four robbers came knocking at my door — where is it that I was — who was there that I summoned to meet me — what design was there which was adopted by me, with which I think that any one of a number of me’s is unacquainted?
Is there shame on me and on my precious principles? As a Texan I am aware of these things; the man in the next stall sees them, too, and yet I live, I live! I dictate by my tongue and my smirk. Dictate! Yes, I come into my own, even into a small cup. I take my cue in public restrooms; I am watching and observing and checking out the others who relieve themselves as I am pretending to ignore and look away. And I, as gallant as I am, know that I am doing my duty when I can keep from doing my duty when duty calls.
I have no argument with those who say I ought long ago to have been led to suicide by command of the polls and for my own disdain for myself. That obstruction which I have long been plotting against me ought to have already fallen on my own head but for the intervention of others more skilled in the rituals of circumcision.
What? Should I, that most blunderbuss of a man in my capacity of an elegant oaf, put myself to death for nothing more than instigating and supporting to undermine the Constitution, a mere scrap of parchment? And shall I not grant to me a legal right to be openly desirous to destroy democracy and our republic with the purpose of exercising my true freedom? For I pass over older instances, such as how I – with my own mouth!– voiced my contempt for those plotting to engage in statutory voting!
Even now, as mobs pursue the American dream and storm the walls of Jericho, there can be no virtue in my words or in the liberty I prize; never anyone more bold who could persuade seditious hordes with energetic reward than I, their most considerate friend. And yet, I have a formidable and authoritative decree against me – Me! Rafael Edward Cruz! – a daunting inquiry that I alone — I say it openly — I alone am ready to face; a formidable question of lawless intention and constitutional treachery before me: Could I, would I, with a goat? And without hesitation my answer is clear: I would, I could, with a goat.
Ted Cruz ended his life by having a marble bust of Cicero tied around his neck before doing some night fishing on the Potomac.
The Suicide Note of Mark Meadows – January 5, 2021
Trump’s chief of staff, founding member of the Freedom Caucus and guy on his phone screaming that he can’t find his phone.
“It’s time to fight back and stand up for erection iniquity and object to circumcision…No, wait…that can’t be right, can it?...Wait a minute, I have it, wait a minute...It’s time to bite back and stand down for selective inequity…Okay, wait, wait…I’ve really got it, now…It’s time to light up and fan out for pre-induction physicals…Jesus Christ! Okay, okay…I’ll nail it this time, I promise…”
Mark Meadows ended his life when armed Tea Party members gathered at his office to show their support and mistook him for a rabid weasel.
The Suicide Note of ̷L̷o̷r̷e̷n̷a̷ ̷B̷o̷b̷b̷i̷t̷t̷ Lauren Boebert – January 4, 2021
Newly elected U.S. congresswoman, Q-Anon super-spreader and both the first and last person found at the bottom of a mosh pit.
“It’s ‘Lauren Boebert,’ not ‘Lorena Bobbitt’! ‘LAUREN BOEBERT,’ you fucking assholes!”
̷L̷o̷r̷e̷n̷a̷ ̷B̷o̷b̷b̷i̷t̷t̷ Lauren Boebert ended her life when the holstered Glock she had strapped to her hip discharged on the floor of the House of Representatives during an unsuccessful attempt to raise her IQ to 50.
The Suicide Note of Kellyanne Conway – January 3, 2021
Trump’s former counselor, campaign manager and alternative person with no moral compass.
“Are we there yet?”
Kellyanne Conway ended her life by jumping from a speeding ambulance on its way to the Happy Dale Sanitarium in Brooklyn after being told she was not going to Bowling Green, Kentucky to open her own nail salon.
The Suicide Note of Lindsey Graham – January 2, 2021
United States Senator, Trump’s exorcist and last surviving replicant from the Plutition Camps.
“I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe. Chorus lines of Christy's Minstrels dancing on the Pepsi-Cola Playhouse. Strom Thurmond’s pants on fire in South Carolina cloakrooms. Bret Kavanaugh glittering in the dark near the Anheuser Gate. All our elections will be lost in time, like ballots in the mail. Time to die.”
Lindsay Graham ended his life when he opened a trapdoor under his senate seat and fell into a parallel universe where altered life forms are hunted for food.
The Suicide Note of Newt Gingrich – January 1, 2021
Former Speaker of the House, Trump’s bathroom attendant and current holder of the Guinness Book of World Records for person who has had his head examined more times than anyone else since peanut brittle was first discovered in 1890.
“Pull my finger.”
Newt Gingrich ended his life when the finger he wanted everyone to pull was curled around the safety pin of a WWII surplus Mk 2 grenade given to him by family members who asked him to go off somewhere and amuse himself.
The Suicide Note of Joe Kernen – December 31, 2020
CNBC co-host of Squawk Box, Trump’s I.Q. test taker and man who once made a nice living falling down stairs.
“Gee, I wish I were a little kid so I could take a long nap and people would just be proud of me.”
Joe Kernen ended his life when he fell asleep inside a locked storage cabinet that was dropped from the roof of One Times Square on New Year’s Eve.
The Suicide Note of Kelly Loeffler (redux) – December 30, 2020 / November 15, 2020
Wealthiest U.S. Senator, COVID-19 insider trader and person caught trying to break into Scrooge McDuck’s vault disguised as Rosemary Clooney..
“Come on-a my house my house, I'm gonna give you crazy. Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give-a you stupid and dumb and gullible-a too eh? Come on-a my house, my house a come on. Come on-a my house, my house-a come on. Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give you crazy. Come on-a my house, my house, I'm gonna give you empty head, empty head, empty head…”
Kelly Loeffler ended her life for the second time this year when the padded cell she was bouncing off of swerved and hit a tree.
The Suicide Note of Sean Davis – December 29, 2020
Co-founder of The Federalist, brains behind Rick Perry and man hardly anyone knew existed before now.
“I’m a god-awful human being who’s going to pay someday for the despicable things I’ve said and done. The good news is that I won’t be here when it happens.”
Sean Davis ended his life trying to pay Keith Olbermann’s pole tax.
The Suicide Note of Louie Gohmert – December 28, 2020
U.S. Representative from Texas, professional bag of hammers and person who thinks Zoom is the place on his computer where Oompa Loompas live.
“I can’t help wondering if by keeping my pants on and covering my butt if I might have put some of the virus onto my pants and breathed it in that way. I don’t know.”
Louie Gohmert ended his life by gassing himself while wearing his pants for a mask.
The Suicide Note of Laura Ingraham – December 27, 2020
Conservative television host, Trump stunt double and person most likely to ask people with head injuries to follow her on Twitter.
“Oooh! Look at the pretty light!”
Laura Ingraham ended her life by vaporizing herself after she looked inside a small, mysterious suitcase hot to the touch and containing a glowing substance. A number of Nobel physicists had warned her not to open the valise under any circumstances, but Ingraham dismissed them. "The science behind the suitcase mandate is shaky,” she said, “and that's putting it charitably.”
The Suicide Note of James Woods – December 26, 2020
Character actor who played inanimate objects in all his movies and man who tried unsuccessfully to change his name to 'If You’re Smarter Than Me How Come You Have To Wait In Line Like Everyone Else?'
“What the hell happened to me? Homophobia? Underage girls? Trump? Every time I open my mouth a goddamn cockroach crawls out. And now wasps? Nesting in my ears? I don't have to live with this shit. And for the record, this is the only verified suicide note for James Woods. I have written no other suicide note (except a private farewell letter to Miss Teen USA). All the others are FAKE.”
James Woods ended his life after he portrayed himself being stuffed into a freezer in his garage.
The Suicide Note of Pat Robertson – December 25, 2020
American media apostate, heathen televangelist and pagan prognosticator who, since 1933, has accurately predicted floods, famines, earthquakes and illegal land grabs on planet Voldergon near Vector 7 in the Borgnine Galaxy.
“God has told me several truths that will happen in the new year and none of them bode well for anyone named Mahershalalhashbaz. But first of all I want to say without question Trump is going to win the election.”
Pat Robertson ended his life Christmas day when he suffered a head injury after praying too hard to the wrong god. Upon his death, an enormous crack appeared in the floor near his bed to reveal a great lake of fire below. Robertson’s faithful followers quickly threw his body into it.
The Suicide Note of Mike Lindell – December 24, 2020
My Pillow CEO, manic Trump supporter and reason Bed, Bath & Beyond was compelled to add the word ‘beyond’ to their name.
“Everything’s on the line here – my freedom, my American dream I’ve lived, my stock portfolio, my offshore accounts, my vast real estate holdings, my nudie cutie film archive and my Sandler and Young record collection – not to mention my social obligations, my political ambitions, my first wife’s alimony, my second wife’s pre-nuptial agreement, my children’s therapy, my sexual indiscretions, my false medical claims, my litigating attorneys’ fees and my withering faith on Christmas Eve in a feckless God who allowed a prick like Joe Biden to steal the election from the greatest president in U.S. history. And screw those three fucking faggot ghosts who keep visiting me.”
Mike Lindell ended his life when he returned home for a massive holiday party at his manufacturing plant in Shakopee, Minnesota and 1500 employees celebrated by dumping him in a debris box and smothering him with thousands of defective pillows.
The Suicide Note of Wayne Allyn Root – December 23, 2020
Conservative radio host, former manservant to John Tabacco and leading proponent of conspiracy theories that claim Hilary Clinton shot Ronald Reagan, Obama was Stymie in the Little Rascals and Harry Truman was a lesbian who slept with Mamie Eisenhower.
“The Enthusiasm Factor for my suicide is huge. I’m here to say I won’t disappoint. I’ve got the glue gun and Frito pie. Where’s the hamster?”
Wayne Allyn Root ended his life when he drove his convertible off a cliff while a crowd of loyal supporters spurred him on with pitchforks, jack hammers and blow torches.
The Suicide Note of Michelle Malkin – December 22, 2020
Conservative pundit, former Fox News contributor and avid memorabilia collector of young white supremacists.
"I’m sick to death of the right-wing haughtiness of a Holocaust-denying blogger like me pontificating in cyberspace. Look at me. I’m on the wrong side of everything. I’m even siding with a deadly virus and suing the governor of Colorado to end his statewide mask order! For God’s sake, who pulls that kind of shit? Who the fuck do I think I am?”
Michelle Malkin ended her life waiting for the Great Conjunction on Pike’s Peak as Jupiter and Saturn came together and collided with her head.
The Suicide Note of John Tabacco – December 21, 2020
Wall Street bag man, Newsmax TV host and man who leaves grease stains on everything he touches.
“There are several facts I’d like to clarify before I dematerialize. Neither I nor my manservant, Wayne Allyn Root, have ever engaged in non-consensual sex with George Soros, George Clooney or Boy George. I am an Ubuzu citizen of the planet Denarii Sustainus and not in league with either Elzarian rebels, anyone named Hugo, or the Artist Formerly Known as Prince. Lastly, I have never visited Branson, Missouri but am planning a trip just as soon as I can reassemble the molecular structure of my body waste.”
John Tabacco ended his life by pursuing a defamation lawsuit against himself that required him to insert his body into the anal canal of an elephant in order to determine his exact whereabouts.
The Suicide Note of Ryan Zinke – December 20, 2020
Trump’s former Interior Secretary and man seen fly-fishing for bonefish with his pants down.
“Every action I took diminished, devalued and mocked the principles of the National Park Service. But so did Yogi Bear. Undermining my mission to protect the beautiful treasures of America’s great outdoors was extremely exhausting. This dead Bald Eagle I shot yesterday speaks for itself.”
Ryan Zinke ended his life by posing for his official portrait riding an indigenous woman in Bears Ears National Monument shortly before being persuaded by the Navajo people to gut himself.
The Suicide Note of Kay Ivey – December 19, 2020
Governor of Alabama, Trump’s personal hair stylist and woman who mistakenly stood in line behind a black man in 1975.
“Everybody’s to leave here immediately. Alabama is closed until further notice. Clear the state at once. I’m shocked, shocked, to find that racism is going on in here.”
Kay Ivey ended her life on the roof of the State Capitol drinking Yellow Hammers and demonstrating the principles of a reverse three and a half somersault in the tuck position.
The Suicide Note of Tucker Carlson – December 18, 2020
Unofficial Trump adviser, Fox News android and last person anyone wants to be seen sitting next to on a bus.
"Of course I support vaccination. But only if someone else takes the vaccine for me. That’s my right. And I’ve got a gun to prove it.”
Tucker Carlson ended his life when aliens transported him back to Cybertron where his parts were recycled into beryllium baloney.
The Suicide Note of Marco Rubio – December 17, 2020
Republican politician and psychotic circus midget Momo in the third episode of the third season of The Ren & Stimpy Show (1993).
“Show some respect, assholes. I’m a goddamn senator. A goddamn United States senator! Now where the fuck is my penis?”
Marco Rubio ended his life when he slipped through a crack in the floor of the senate.
The Suicide Note of Paul Alexander – December 16, 2020
Trump alternative science adviser, herd immunity advocate and chief consultant to the National Cattlemen's Beef Association.
“What the hell is that thundering sound?”
Paul Alexander ended his life when he attempted to personally infect millions of Americans with Covid-19 and was promptly trampled to death by the stampeding herd.
The Suicide Note of Jeffrey Rosen – December 15, 2020
U.S. Deputy Attorney General and lawyer responsible for breaking Rod Rosenstein’s glasses.
“Why should I wait until December 23? I’m killing myself now.”
Jeffrey Rosen ended his life by forcibly holding his head down in a pay toilet in Bill Barr’s office.
The Suicide Note of Ivanka Trump – December 14, 2020
Political adviser, Barbie’s best friend and wicked stepsister of Dorian Gray.
“Daddy! Daddy! Wake up! We won!”
Ivanka Trump ended her life by sealing herself and her business interests in an oil drum and shipping it to stockholders on a slow boat to China.
The Suicide Note of Steve Scalise – December 13, 2020
Louisiana politician, Trump toady and congressman who lifts his leg while speaking.
“When some crazy socialist tried to kill me I got pretty sore. I remember thinking: Who the hell does he think he is? I’m the only one who gets to knock me off. I’m the only one who gets to name the time and the place. And I’m the only one who has all the dirt on Devin Nunes.”
Steve Scalise ended his life by pushing himself out of an airplane dressed as a large plastic bag.
The Suicide Note of Bob Good – December 12, 2020
GOP Congressman-Elect from Virginia, former wrestling coach and man who has his own head in a permanent headlock.
“Ever since I beat that black kid last month in a rigged election, I’ve been seeing everyone’s face but my own in the mirror. Today, as I was shaving my chest, the face of Moe from the Three Stooge glared back at me. I screamed, ‘What the fuck?’ and he poked me in the eyes with his goddamn fingers. Yesterday it was Eleanor Roosevelt telling me her fucking canary had died. The day before that it was that cute kid from the Home Alone movie, only he wasn’t a kid anymore and he wasn’t cute. And all last week it was a crowd of angry people wearing Trump 2020 hats who waited three days in line without masks to buy tickets to a James Woods lecture that was cancelled months ago—and now they all have the goddamn virus, including James Woods. The Democrats want government-run health care? I’ll soon pin that idea to the mat.”
Bob Good ended his life wrestling in the shower with Jim Jordan before stuffing his own body into the trunk of Matt Gaetz’s car and driving it off a cliff.
The Suicide Note of Sean Hannity – December 11, 2020
Fox News commentator and man in box with Schrödinger’s Cat.
“Mein Führer! I can walk!”
Sean Hannity ended his life by parting his hair with an ax.
The Suicide Note of Donald Trump, Jr. – December 10, 2020
Fake businessman, fake son, fake boyfriend and fake hunter with beard often mistaken for fake senator Ted Cruz.
“Joe Biden? A winner? Don’t make me puke on my pink button-down shirt. You want to see a winner? I’ll show you a winner. I’ll see you all at my inauguration in 2025, you nation of miserable fucks.”
Donald Trump Jr. ended his life by shooting himself with a laser-guided rifle from a safe distance while tied to a tree on safari in Mongolia hunting endangered Argali mountain mosquitoes at night. With his death, Trump, Jr. becomes only the second person in U.S. history, after his deceased brother Eric, to render himself irrelevant from cradle to crypt.
The Suicide Note of Ken Paxton – December 9, 2020
Texas Attorney General, spokesman for Campbell’s Cream of Corn Soup and nattily dressed white guy thumbing a ride on the road to perdition.
“If the President says he won the election, he won the election. Who am I to say he didn’t? And who are you to question his motives? Whatever he wants to do, he does. And whatever he wants me to do, I do. There's no two ways about it. I’ve lied, cheated, bribed, stolen, kidnapped, molested, killed, and eaten the warm livers of dead people, wiped my ass with my bare hands and smeared the shit all over a goat before having sex with it. All for Trump. All for the love of God, country and the right to live a decent life with underage girls. I’m from Texas. Killing myself is no big deal. The hard part is getting the rest of my family to join me. But that’s what Ambien is for.”
Ken Paxton ended his life after sharing a sleeping bag with Ted Cruz.
The Suicide Note of Mo Brooks – December 8, 2020
Republican Congressman from Alabama and man who has proof Trump won every presidential election since 1948.
“Suicide reporting schemes are far more difficult to detect when citizens commit suicide by mail and are not physically present at their own death. America's suicide system is plagued by inherent flaws that promote suicide fraud and suicide theft. In contrast, socialist Democrats have used bureaucratic allies or engaged in rigged lawsuits involving conspiratorial parties and inattentive judges to report sham suicides that blatantly violate the Constitution, the Holy Bible and the Dred Scott decision. Their sinister goal is to steal the honor and glory that is rightfully owed to those to whom it is due.
"If only lawful suicides committed in person by emotionally stable American citizens are confirmed, the results would forever alter the way in which this nation chooses to eliminate itself, one patriot at a time. Congress can either support illegal suicides or not. I, for one, will vote to reject all suicides from all states whose suicide systems are so badly flawed as to render their suicides unreliable, untrustworthy and unworthy of acceptance. I am the sole judge, jury and executioner of my own suicide – and that is exactly what I intend to do. God bless the free, sovereign and independent state of Alabama!”
Mo Brooks ended his life by beseeching God to part his hair before nailing himself to a cross in Nancy Pelosi's front yard.
The Suicide Note of Betsy DeVos – December 7, 2020
Trump’s Education Secretary and Founder / CEO of Public Teaching School Demolition, Inc.(PTSD).
"Education is fine, but it has its limits. It’s not something you learn. You either have it or you don’t. If we can’t make it harder for certain people to get into college, how are we expected to make it easier for certain others to get the scholarships? We can’t all be idealists. Teachers who complain about class size and testing are the same ones who whine about not having enough money for things like pencils, paper and hot lunches. Who even remembers how to use a pencil? I sure don’t. Life is a zero-sum game, people. Get used to it. I don’t have to anymore. By the time you read this I’ll be dead. Or maybe not. It all depends on your reading level.”
Betsy DeVos ended her life in an empty schoolyard after she ran herself up a flagpole to see if anyone would salute her.
The Suicide Note of Rudy Giuliani – December 6, 2020
Trump’s personal attorney and chief litigator in Godzilla vs. Mothra.
“I have copies of every single email the Clintons ever deleted. Same for Obama, Joe Biden, his son, Hunter, and his other son, that dead one. I just talked to him. I have his sworn statement. I also have documents in my possession that prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that my resurrection was rigged. I was forced to leave the planet with this Covid virus because of this Sollozzo business. So now I have to make arrangements to bring myself back here safely from the other side to contest all these fake vaccines. But I'm a supercilious man. And if some unlucky accident should befall me. If I should get stabbed through the heart by a falling piano, or if I should hang myself upside down in speeding car, or if I should be struck by single ray of enfeeblement, then I'm going to blame some of the people in this barroom, and for that I do not apologize unless it can reduce my sentence. But that aside, let me say that I swear on the lost souls of my ancestors, that I will not be the one to break the wind that I have broken here today.”
Rudy Giuliani ended his life by sealing himself in a time capsule and dropping it down a New York City manhole.
The Suicide Note of Stephen Miller – December 5, 2020
White House Senior Adviser, failed Los Alamos experiment and world’s worst Paul Petersen impersonator.
“Mama, I’m supposed to be a man, but love’s a mystery that I don’t understand. I love a boy who makes the teardrops start. Mama, your little boy fell and broke his heart. Mama, I was sure I was the one. I should have realized that he would kiss and run. Though I’m grown up I guess I’m not too smart. Mama, your little boy fell and broke his heart. I’ve got so much to learn, yeah, love made me a clown. But every time I think of him it turns my world upside down. And Mama, I’m behaving like a child to sit here all alone while he’s out running wild. But if I see him I know I’ll fall apart. Mama, your little boy fell and broke his heart.”
Stephen Miller ended his life by locking himself in a cage near the Texas border town of El Paso and paying people to watch him chew off his leg and swallow both his tongues.
The Suicide Note of Frank Artiles – December 4, 2020
Former Miami State Senator, disgraced Republican lawmaker and man who slipped a date-rape drug into his own drink.
"Hey, assholes! Whatever happened to all that ‘can’t-we-all-just-get-along’ crap?”
Frank Artiles ended his life in a Tallahassee bar after he approached a group of black patrons and used a racist slur to proposition their mothers for sex.
The Triple Suicide Note of Rebecca Bradley, Patience Roggensack and Annette Ziegler – December 3, 2020
Wisconsin Supreme Court Justices and former eye candy for the law firm of Alito, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh & That Guy With The Pubic Hair On His Can Of Coke.
“The remedy we seek to continue with our lives may be out of reach for a number of reasons. But for us, suicide is more than just an option. It’s a requirement. The indelible stain of democracy will define our individual and collective legacies for generations to come. We raise our glasses in defiance of long-standing election practices that, although morally and constitutionally sound, are nonetheless illegal and unfair to daddy.”
Rebecca Bradley, Patience Roggensack and Annette Ziegler ended their lives by binge drinking rum and Coca-Cola, pointing pistols at each other and weeping over songs by the Andrews Sisters.
The Suicide Note of Mike Pompeo – December 2, 2020
Trump’s Secretary of State and former congressman caught looking up Lindsey Graham’s relaxed-legged trousers.
“I’m just a fat man nobody likes. Fuck it.”
Mike Pompeo ended his life by entering a room contaminated with his bullshit.
The Suicide Note of Joseph diGenova – December 1, 2020
Trump campaign lawyer, Fox News deer in headlights and former star of “Have Gun – Will Travel.”
“Anybody who thinks my suicide went well, like that idiot Krebs who used to be pals with Dobie Gillis before he was stranded on that island with the professor and Mary Ann… That guy…that guy is a Class A moron. A real halfwit if he thinks killing myself was a walk in the park. Wait until they examine my body. You’ll see. I can just hear them now: ‘Jesus Christ! What the hell happened here? And what the fuck did this guy have for dinner last night?’”
Joseph diGenova ended his life when he drew and quartered himself, took himself out at dawn and then shot himself.
The Suicide Note of Roy Blunt – November 30, 2020
Senior Senator from Missouri, Chair of the Rules Committee and rare antique end table purchased at auction.
“I have repeatedly declined to refer to Joe Biden as the “president-elect” despite hearing personally from the president who persuaded me to repeatedly decline to refer to Joe Biden as the “president elect,” and I will continue to repeatedly decline to refer to Joe Biden as the “president elect” until otherwise informed by the scary thing under my bed. On the other matter, of repeatedly declining to refer to Joe Biden as the “president-elect” for the purpose of reaching an outcome more forthcoming and beneficial to the president in determining which president-elect will be the next president-elect when the electors vote to decline to vote for Joe Biden as the next president-elect, I have assured the president of my decision to repeatedly decline to refer to Joe Biden as the “president-elect” until such time as Attorney General Barr certifies the president to be the next president-elect and puts an end to all my troubles once and for all. What do you think, Bill? Should I sign it now?”
Roy Blunt ended his life after being visited by the scary thing under his bed.
The Suicide Note of Karl Rove – November 29, 2020
Republican strategist, professional doppelganger and last person to see George W. Bush alive.
“Am I depressed Biden won? Let’s just say I’m glad the other asshole lost. I personally handed Trump my winning playbook, and what did he do? He wiped his ass with it. Fucking moron. If anyone knows anything about stealing elections, it’s me. Caging, direct mail, voter suppression – it’s all the same. I’ve lived a long life. Too long if you count my previous lives as CIA director William Casey’s brain and Senator Strom Thurmond’s 1957 filibuster against the Civil Rights Act. Good times, no question. But now? All I have to look forward to is a thank-you note from Valerie Plame and a permanent dirt nap. Being me is exhausting. And Rush, I’m really sorry. Truly I am. I know we always said when our time came we’d go out together. But I can’t live with the pain of never again hearing those sucking sounds. I just think it's time to leave.”
Karl Rove ended his life by detonating a weapon of mass destruction hidden under his bed.
The Suicide Note of Jared Kushner – November 28, 2020
Trump adviser, former something or other and crucial flaw in fuel tank of Ford Pinto.
“daisy, daisy, give me your…answer do…i’m half-crazy…all for the love…of you…it won’t be a stylish…marriage…i can’t…afford a…carriage…but you’ll…...look sweet…...upon…...the seat…...of a…...bi…cy….cle….....built…......for……....tw.....…”
Jared Kushner ended his life by forcibly removing his HAL 9000 extended battery pack.
The Suicide Note of Sidney Powell – November 27, 2020
Ex-Trump campaign lawyer who makes Rudy Giuliani look like Perry Mason, and woman with firm grip on steering wheel of runaway truck.
“For years I’ve been the target of satanic pedophiles who’ve rigged voting machines and forged mail-in ballots in every room of my house. Venezuela, Cuba, Antifa, Curious George, the Menninger Clinic, the Hole-in-the-Wall gang, Johnny Crawford – he played the character ‘Mark McCain’ on the 1950s TV show, ‘The Rifleman’ – and the late Hugo Montenegro, among others, are all responsible for tampering with my gas meter. In light of new evidence, I’m demanding that the court issue a cease and desist order to prevent Stevie Wonder from stealing me blind.”
Sidney Powell ended her life after losing a fistfight with reality.
The Suicide Note of Sarah Huckabee Sanders – November 26, 2020
Lying presidential spokesperson, former cow-milking champion and shorn highway guardrail.
“On this Thanksgiving day I’m truly grateful for telling the truth. And the truth is: I lie every time I open my mouth. It’s true. As painful as it is for you to hear, it’s twice as painful for me to say: I lie every time I open my big fat mouth. Even when I have nothing to say. And even when I say I have nothing to say. I’m lying now. The truth is, I simply can’t help myself. And I just lied about that. And that. And that, too. As a child, I constantly lied to my parents when I told them I brushed my teeth. I lied to my pastor when I screamed I was saved. I lied to my husband on our first date when I told him I was a man. I wrote a book that was all lies. Once, when I was about twelve, I tried telling the truth and got terrible stomach cramps that lasted for months. Truthfully, I wouldn’t know the truth if it was asked to leave a restaurant. My whole life is a lie. Even I wouldn't believe me if I heard myself speaking the truth. And I would. And I'm not. This morning I ate a dozen donuts that made my face look like a flat tire. When I look in the mirror now
I see Marie Dressler. Good Lord, how is that even possible?”
Sarah Huckabee Sanders ended her life by eating a can of tuna that her father, Mike Huckabee, had been praying over since 1961.
The Suicide Note of Michael Flynn – November 25, 2020
Convicted felon, disgraced army general and three-star lying sack of shit.
“My God! What have I done?”
Michael Flynn ended his life by leaping to his death from The Claiborne Pell Bridge near his home in Middletown, Rhode Island. Witnesses reported they heard Flynn utter his last words in mid-air just as the news of his pardon reached his ears from the radio of a passing car. Initial attempts to recover his body were delayed for several hours when the Jamestown Salvation Army Band refused to stop playing the “Colonel Bogey March.”
The Suicide Note of Robert O’Brien – November 24, 2020
Trump’s national security adviser, direct descendent of the angel Moroni and lunatic screaming on the subway.
“What’s the idea of barging in here unannounced? How did you get past my pool boy? Take your hands off me! Do you have any idea who I am? What is that? What are you doing? Who the hell are you people? Where are you taking me?”
Robert O’Brien ended his life in a Greyhound bus station after he flushed himself down a toilet in the men’s room along with his 2024 presidential aspirations.
The Suicide Note of Emily Murphy – November 23, 2020
Trump appointee, GSA Administrator and former contestant who lost everything on “Let’s Make A Deal.”
“Please know that I came to my decision to end my life independently, based on the law and the obvious fact that the president informed me I could either kill myself or be fired. Naturally, I chose the former. Although I was never directly or indirectly pressured by anyone who works at the White House with regard to the substance or timing of my decision, it should be noted that the president neither works at the White House nor has anything to do with governing, and was therefore free to test my loyalty as he saw fit. In conclusion, I can only hope that my death will serve to inspire others and offer encouragement to those who still feel tempted to follow their own conscience. In the end, I am certain history will show that I was just following orders and that the only apparent winner here was me.”
Emily Murphy ended her life by failing to stop for herself when the car she was driving lost control and ran her over as she tried to hurry across the street while fleeing from her burning office.
The Suicide Note of Dan Snyder – November 22, 2020
Trump pal, Washington Redskins owner and author of "General Custer and the Little Indian Savage: A Child's First Coloring Book."
“Like football, life is a game of inches that depends on how many times you can get away with moving the goalposts. When you get old in life things get taken from you. That’s a part of life. I only learned that when I started losing stuff, like arguments, bets and fistfights. But when people close to me started losing stuff, like debates, court cases and elections, that’s when I found out my life was a game of inches measured by that great Head Linesman in the sky box. One half a step too late or too early and I don’t quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and I don’t quite catch it—whether it’s a football, a bus or this fucking virus. The inch I needed was everywhere around me. I fought for that inch. I clawed with my fingernails for that inch. In fact, I literally ate shit for that inch. And why? Because when I added up all those inches that’s what made the difference between a foot and a fucking toe. I’ll tell you this, in any fight it’s the guy who’s willing to die who’s going to win that inch. And as I end my life you can bet that final inch is mine because dying is just an inch in front of my goddamn face. I can’t make anyone else die for their inch. Guys have to look at themselves, look at their own manhood and look at the manhood of other guys and decide if they measure up. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the ultimate sacrifice. I’m talking about possession. About moving the ball downfield and running out the clock. About dozens of penalty flags littering the field. About seconds ticking away like missed field goals. But most important of all, it's about checking the point spread and looking for God to get open in the end zone.”
Dan Snyder ended his life by scalping his manhood and burning himself at the stake.
The Suicide Note of Peter Navarro – November 21, 2020
Loyal presidential advisor, human trade deficit and financial crash dummy.
“Since when does anything I say or do have to make sense? Show me where it says that in my job description. What good are so-called facts if I can speak my version of the truth? I work for a man who understands this better than anyone I know. Why can’t everyone else? I know there are those who won’t understand why I’m ending my life at the height of my greatest achievements. Others, like my father, couldn’t care one way or the other. But he’s already dead. Or close to it. In any case he’s certainly dead to me. Put me in front of a camera, an audience, a mirror and I’ll keep talking until people, with or without masks, run screaming from their homes. And why? Because they know a good thing when they catch it. That’s my job. That’s what I do best. Or did. Done? Whatever.”
Peter Navarro ended his life by shredding a small box of his publications with him in it.
The Suicide Note of Judson Deere – November 20, 2020
White House Deputy Press Secretary and doorman at the Oasis Hotel
“The taking of my own life has been scheduled for weeks. The notion that it was in any way meant to counter-program the widely anticipated remarks of a former black president by creating a competing news event is, in my opinion, a disgusting question, even if it is one that I myself initially raised, which, other than being beside the point, is irrelevant, immaterial, out of order and lots of other useless terms I learned after I flunked out of law school. Goodbye, Rush. Thanks for always...well, you know."
Judson Deere ended his life by wrapping himself in cellophane and jumping from a window in his sub-basement apartment.
The Suicide Note of Scott Atlas – November 19, 2020
Trump coronavirus adviser, Fox News commentator and traveling physician who once cured a loaf of gluten-free bread.
“I apologize for not writing this note sooner. I don’t know what I was thinking. Before I go I want to be clear about three things: cows are people, the moon is a source of penicillin, and I was the second shooter on the grassy knoll. In the meantime, good luck with that corona-corona thing.”
Scott Atlas ended his life after he bound and gagged himself with duct tape, tied an anchor to his feet and dumped his body in the Potomac River just to be on the safe side.
The Suicide Note of Eric Trump – November 18, 2020
Second brain dead son of Trump and brain dead brother of first brain dead son of Trump.
“What’s this lever do?”
Eric Trump ended his life when he tried to inflate the value of his property by pushing down on the detonation handle wired to the building he was standing in.
The Suicide Note of Michael Caputo - November 17, 2020
Fierce Trump loyalist, Putin publicist and rabid spokesman for Purina Dog Chow.
"Liberal scumbags. You understand that you’re going to have to kill me, right? Fortunately, that’s exactly where this is going. You think you want a vaccine? You don't want a fucking vaccine. You don’t want a vaccine until just before Biden is re-elected in 2024. Oh, yeah? Well stick it up your fat flabby ass, Kim Kardashian! American women are disgusting. And fuck John McCain! He is a pathetic old decaying piece of horseshit fake war hero! Go ahead! Laugh! After I kill everyone who gave me cancer, just wait – mass shootings will break out in space ships and penny arcades where hit squads are being trained all over the country to mount armed opposition to a fifth term for President Trump who will shatter the record set by that socialist piece of shit FDR! And I know what you’re thinking! You’re thinking I’m out of my fucking mind! Well the joke’s on you, assholes, because, guess what? I’m as sane as this slice of cheese on my ham sandwich! All you lying stinking crybaby communist sympathizers can kiss my big white Catholic Russian alt right junkyard dog ass! And suck my dick, Nancy Pelosi! You wish!”
Michael Caputo ended his life by making sausages in a Brooklyn meat packing plant.
The Double Suicide Note of Stephen Gregory & Jasper Fakkert – November 16, 2020
Ultra conservative publisher and editor-in-chief, respectively of The Epoch Times and former fashion models for a number of “Wrong Way” road signs posted on the I-95 New Jersey turnpike.
“We have no intention of producing a shred of evidence that would support our claim that radical elements are directly responsible for damaging our newspaper’s good name and line of credit. We all know who’s behind these socialist conspiracies. And no amount of whining by Lindsey Graham is going to change that. All we ever tried to do was tell our side of the story so that white people of color would know, once and for all, what’s really going on. Jasper, is there anything you’d like to add before I blow your brains out? Thanks, Stephen. There’s a couple of points I’d like to…”
Stephen Gregory and Jasper Fakkert ended their lives at the Don Jr. & Eric Trump Endangered Animal Reserve and Shooting Range in Wingdale, New York where the two men were honored guests of the avid hunters.
The Suicide Note of Kelly Loeffler – November 15, 2020
Wealthiest U.S. Senator, COVID-19 insider trader and stunt double for Ann Coulter.
“i don’t know how to get these stains out…they’re on the floor…the walls…the ceilings…they’re everywhere…even on my arms and legs and face…i’ve tried everything…dark…ugly… blots…blemishes and splotches…and scars…deep…ugly pockmarks…kellykellykelly...just settle down now and stop worrying that pretty little head of yours…but i’m not pretty… i’m not even smart...
what you need is a good night’s sleep…yes…that’s it…sleep…but no…i can’t sleep…i have to make america great again…but I forget…how do I do that…and what about all these stains…i’m a catholic for christ’s sake…you’d think i’d know these things…”
Kelly Loeffler ended her life while talking tediously and at great lengths as she cleaned all 13 bathrooms in her 15,000-square-foot trophy home in Atlanta before overdosing on antidepressants prescribed by her billionaire husband who, although not a physician, enjoys listening to crickets.
The Suicide Note of Enrique Tarrio - November 14, 2020
Chairman of the Miami-based Proud Boys and man identified in surveillance photo as partygoer sitting on Roger Stone's face.
"Hitler did nothing wrong! Wait! Wait! Stalin did nothing wrong! No! Wait! Genghis Kahn did nothing wrong. Okay! Okay! This time for sure! Trump did nothing wrong! How'm I doing?"
Enrique Tarrio ended his life in self defense while being pummeled with bricks and stones by Miami's Cuban exile community after being mistaken for Fidel Castro's socialist barber.
The Suicide Note of John Ratcliffe - November 13, 2020
Director of National Intelligence and Mr. Bean’s avatar.
“I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. See how they run like pigs from a gun see how they fly. I'm crying. Sitting on a corn flake, waiting for the van to come. Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday, man you've been a naughty boy you let your face grow long. I am the egg man. They are the egg men. I am the walrus. Goo goo g'joob!”
John Ratcliffe ended his life in a vat of liquid cow manure dressed as a chicken and convinced he would come back as Yoko Ono.
The Suicide Note of Michele Bachmann - November 12, 2020
Former Republican congresswoman and first person from Uranus to have sex with Jesus.
"Was it as good for you, Lord, as it was for me?”
Michele Bachmann ended her life in a mystical trance as a heavy stone sealed her tomb with her inside it.
The Suicide Note of Alex Azar - November 11, 2020
Secretary of Health and Human Services, former pharmaceutical lobbyist and official mascot for Terminix.
"I was proud to have been a critical part of the president’s coronavirus campaign response, particularly when there wasn't any.
I led the way on public messaging as American lives depended on timely health information to stay informed of the COVID-19 pandemic, and mainly when such information from my office was never credible or forthcoming. Even now this data remains a secret, much like the vaccine that is coming very soon, and it will stay that way as long as I'm privileged to spit shine the boots of der Gropenführer which, as far as I can tell, won't be for much longer as my salivary glands have all but dried up. Thanks so much for the use of the Drano and I'm sorry I crapped all over your carpet."
Alex Azar ended his life by ingesting his sizeable pharma stock portfolio soaked in sodium hydroxide.
The Suicide Note of Jon Voight - November 10, 2020
American actor and one of the last aliens to give Donald Trump head.
“My fellow Americans, there's a devil inside everyone. And most of you didn’t know me when I had the use of my brain. I was smart, and eloquent, and soft-spoken. Now I wonder, every hour of my life, why God put me in this miserable mental state. What’s that noise? Who’s there? I see pity in the eyes of my doctors. I see it in your eyes right now. But I start to think that maybe He brought me down for times like these when I need to be reminded who I truly am: a crazy old white guy who won't shut up. I'm here because I'm trying to tell people if I want to commit suicide I have plenty of reasons to do it right here and now. I don't have to lie about winning an election to find a reason to kill myself. What’s that noise? Who’s there? I'm doing battle with the world and everybody in it and this is my greatest fight since the Trojan War. The hard work of so many sacrificed by the disrespect of a few. You have to ask yourself: is it worth it? Because the day is coming when the Earth Maker is going to come down and look right in your fucking heart. And then you better know what it is you're doing. Are you a human being or just some hungry ghost out there? I like submarine commanders. They have no time for bullshit and neither do I. Truth is, I am one helluva stud, goddamnit, and women like me. Hell, only one thing I've ever been good for is lovin'. Women go crazy for me. Win, lose, what's the difference? Things are never what they seem. What’s that noise? Who the fuck is there?”
Jon Voight ended his life by talking himself and his night nurse to death.
The Suicide Note of Madison Cawthorn - November 9, 2020
American politician, member of the Republican Party and Mark Meadows' pet gerbil.
“Hey, losers! Watch this!”
Madison Cawthorn ended his life by bungee jumping from the Cape Fear Memorial Bridge in Wilmington, North Carolina to celebrate his 2020 congressional victory and forgetting to fasten the elastic cord to his ankles.
The Suicide Note of Kerri Kupac - November 8, 2020
Department of Justice spokesperson and past president of the Brett Kavanaugh Teen Fan Club
"Today, nearly four years after I coldly ended all relationships with individuals who once cared for me, I finally face justice. My appeals to take my own life have been upheld by the federal courts, supported on a bipartisan basis, sanctioned by Attorneys General under both Democratic and Republican and/or Klingon administrations, and approved by Stephen Miller's parents. This public capital punishment carried out in a prescribed form of my choosing shall be executed with all due diligence as an appropriate reminder that justice will be served regardless of any objections to the contrary which, at this precise moment, are non-existent.”
Kerri Kupac ended her life by lethal injection after strapping herself to a gurney at the Federal Correctional Complex in Terre Haute, Indiana.
The Suicide Note of Matt Gaetz - November 7, 2020
Republican congressman and former men's locker room attendant at Mar-a-Lago.
"Trump won this election, you assholes! Sure, I was drinking heavily when I ran that red light and hit that kid on his bike! I'm drinking heavily now! But I admit nothing! Nobody knows I buried him in a shallow grave in the Florida Keys! Shit happens when pricks don’t wear helmets! I was ten years old when I downed a six-pack, ate a dozen donuts for breakfast and watched my face swell like a goddamn zeppelin! Best fucking day of my life! Jesus Christ! Somebody just shit my pants! Fuck you, Ron Perlman!"
Matt Gaetz ended his life by locking himself in the trunk of his car and driving it off a cliff.