The painful and agonizing defeat of Donald J. Trump has been absolutely devastating.
Many supporters, unable to cope with reality, have chosen instead to end it all.
Messages Left Behind by the Nitwits, Scoundrels, Traitors and Cowards
& Other Trump Defenders Who Have Checked Out
The Suicide Note of Dan Snyder – November 22, 2020
Trump pal, Washington Redskins owner and author of "General Custer and the Little Indian Savage: A Child's First Coloring Book."
“Like football, life is a game of inches that depends on how many times you can get away with moving the goalposts. When you get old in life things get taken from you. That’s a part of life. I only learned that when I started losing stuff, like arguments, bets and fistfights. But when people close to me started losing stuff, like debates, court cases and elections, that’s when I found out my life was a game of inches measured by that great Head Linesman in the sky box. One half a step too late or too early and I don’t quite make it. One half second too slow, too fast and I don’t quite catch it—whether it’s a football, a bus or this fucking virus. The inch I needed was everywhere around me. I fought for that inch. I clawed with my fingernails for that inch. In fact, I literally ate shit for that inch. And why? Because when I added up all those inches that’s what made the difference between a foot and a fucking toe. I’ll tell you this, in any fight it’s the guy who’s willing to die who’s going to win that inch. And as I end my life you can bet that final inch is mine because dying is just an inch in front of my goddamn face. I can’t make anyone else die for their inch. Guys have to look at themselves, look at their own manhood and look at the manhood of other guys and decide if they measure up. What am I talking about? I’m talking about the ultimate sacrifice. I’m talking about possession. About moving the ball downfield and running out the clock. About dozens of penalty flags littering the field. About seconds ticking away like missed field goals. But most important of all, it's about checking the point spread and looking for God to get open in the end zone.”
Dan Snyder ended his life by scalping his manhood and burning himself at the stake.
The Suicide Note of Peter Navarro – November 21, 2020
Loyal presidential advisor, human trade deficit and financial crash dummy.
“Since when does anything I say or do have to make sense? Show me where it says that in my job description. What good are so-called facts if I can speak my version of the truth? I work for a man who understands this better than anyone I know. Why can’t everyone else? I know there are those who won’t understand why I’m ending my life at the height of my greatest achievements. Others, like my father, couldn’t care one way or the other. But he’s already dead. Or close to it. In any case he’s certainly dead to me. Put me in front of a camera, an audience, a mirror and I’ll keep talking until people, with or without masks, run screaming from their homes. And why? Because they know a good thing when they catch it. That’s my job. That’s what I do best. Or did. Done? Whatever.”
Peter Navarro ended his life by shredding a small box of his publications with him in it.
The Suicide Note of Judson Deere – November 20, 2020
White House Deputy Press Secretary and doorman at the Oasis Hotel
“The taking of my own life has been scheduled for weeks. The notion that it was in any way meant to counter-program the widely anticipated remarks of a former black president by creating a competing news event is, in my opinion, a disgusting question, even if it is one that I myself initially raised, which, other than being beside the point, is irrelevant, immaterial, out of order and lots of other useless terms I learned after I flunked out of law school. Goodbye, Rush. Thanks for always...well, you know."
Judson Deere ended his life by wrapping himself in cellophane and jumping from a window in his sub-basement apartment.
The Suicide Note of Scott Atlas – November 19, 2020
Trump coronavirus adviser, Fox News commentator and traveling physician who once cured a loaf of gluten-free bread.
“I apologize for not writing this note sooner. I don’t know what I was thinking. Before I go I want to be clear about three things: cows are people, the moon is a source of penicillin, and I was the second shooter on the grassy knoll. In the meantime, good luck with that corona-corona thing.”
Scott Atlas ended his life after he bound and gagged himself with duct tape, tied an anchor to his feet and dumped his body in the Potomac River just to be on the safe side.
The Suicide Note of Eric Trump – November 18, 2020
Second brain dead son of Trump and brain dead brother of first brain dead son of Trump.
“What’s this lever do?”
Eric Trump ended his life when he tried to inflate the value of his property by pushing down on the detonation handle wired to the building he was standing in.
The Suicide Note of Michael Caputo - November 17, 2020
Fierce Trump loyalist, Putin publicist and rabid spokesman for Purina Dog Chow.
"Liberal scumbags. You understand that you’re going to have to kill me, right? Fortunately, that’s exactly where this is going. You think you want a vaccine? You don't want a fucking vaccine. You don’t want a vaccine until just before Biden is re-elected in 2024. Oh, yeah? Well stick it up your fat flabby ass, Kim Kardashian! American women are disgusting. And fuck John McCain! He is a pathetic old decaying piece of horseshit fake war hero! Go ahead! Laugh! After I kill everyone who gave me cancer, just wait – mass shootings will break out in space ships and penny arcades where hit squads are being trained all over the country to mount armed opposition to a fifth term for President Trump who will shatter the record set by that socialist piece of shit FDR! And I know what you’re thinking! You’re thinking I’m out of my fucking mind! Well the joke’s on you, assholes, because, guess what? I’m as sane as this slice of cheese on my ham sandwich! All you lying stinking crybaby communist sympathizers can kiss my big white Catholic Russian alt right junkyard dog ass! And suck my dick, Nancy Pelosi! You wish!”
Michael Caputo ended his life by making sausages in a Brooklyn meat packing plant.
The Double Suicide Note of Stephen Gregory & Jasper Fakkert – November 16, 2020
Ultra conservative publisher and editor-in-chief, respectively of The Epoch Times and former fashion models for a number of “Wrong Way” road signs posted on the I-95 New Jersey turnpike.
“We have no intention of producing a shred of evidence that would support our claim that radical elements are directly responsible for damaging our newspaper’s good name and line of credit. We all know who’s behind these socialist conspiracies. And no amount of whining by Lindsey Graham is going to change that. All we ever tried to do was tell our side of the story so that white people of color would know, once and for all, what’s really going on. Jasper, is there anything you’d like to add before I blow your brains out? Thanks, Stephen. There’s a couple of points I’d like to…”
Stephen Gregory and Jasper Fakkert ended their lives at the Don Jr. & Eric Trump Endangered Animal Reserve and Shooting Range in Wingdale, New York where the two men were honored guests of the avid hunters.
The Suicide Note of Kelly Loeffler – November 15, 2020
Wealthiest U.S. Senator, COVID-19 insider trader and stunt double for Ann Coulter.
“i don’t know how to get these stains out…they’re on the floor…the walls…the ceilings…they’re everywhere…even on my arms and legs and face…i’ve tried everything…dark…ugly… blots…blemishes and splotches…and scars…deep…ugly pockmarks…kellykellykelly...just settle down now and stop worrying that pretty little head of yours…but i’m not pretty… i’m not even smart...
what you need is a good night’s sleep…yes…that’s it…sleep…but no…i can’t sleep…i have to make america great again…but I forget…how do I do that…and what about all these stains…i’m a catholic for christ’s sake…you’d think i’d know these things…”
Kelly Loeffler ended her life while talking tediously and at great lengths as she cleaned all 13 bathrooms in her 15,000-square-foot trophy home in Atlanta before overdosing on antidepressants prescribed by her billionaire husband who, although not a physician, enjoys listening to crickets.
The Suicide Note of Enrique Tarrio - November 14, 2020
Chairman of the Miami-based Proud Boys and man identified in surveillance photo as partygoer sitting on Roger Stone's face.
"Hitler did nothing wrong! Wait! Wait! Stalin did nothing wrong! No! Wait! Genghis Kahn did nothing wrong. Okay! Okay! This time for sure! Trump did nothing wrong! How'm I doing?"
Enrique Tarrio ended his life in self defense while being pummeled with bricks and stones by Miami's Cuban exile community after being mistaken for Fidel Castro's socialist barber.
The Suicide Note of John Ratcliffe - November 13, 2020
Director of National Intelligence and Mr. Bean’s avatar.
“I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together. See how they run like pigs from a gun see how they fly. I'm crying. Sitting on a corn flake, waiting for the van to come. Corporation T-shirt, stupid bloody Tuesday, man you've been a naughty boy you let your face grow long. I am the egg man. They are the egg men. I am the walrus. Goo goo g'joob!”
John Ratcliffe ended his life in a vat of liquid cow manure dressed as a chicken and convinced he would come back as Yoko Ono.
The Suicide Note of Michele Bachmann - November 12, 2020
Former Republican congresswoman and first person from Uranus to have sex with Jesus.
"Was it as good for you, Lord, as it was for me?”
Michele Bachmann ended her life in a mystical trance as a heavy stone sealed her tomb with her inside it.
The Suicide Note of Alex Azar - November 11, 2020
Secretary of Health and Human Services, former pharmaceutical lobbyist and official mascot for Terminix.
"I was proud to have been a critical part of the president’s coronavirus campaign response, particularly when there wasn't any.
I led the way on public messaging as American lives depended on timely health information to stay informed of the COVID-19 pandemic, and mainly when such information from my office was never credible or forthcoming. Even now this data remains a secret, much like the vaccine that is coming very soon, and it will stay that way as long as I'm privileged to spit shine the boots of der Gropenführer which, as far as I can tell, won't be for much longer as my salivary glands have all but dried up. Thanks so much for the use of the Draino and I'm sorry I crapped all over your carpet."
Alex Azar ended his life by ingesting his sizeable pharma stock portfolio soaked in sodium hydroxide.
The Suicide Note of Jon Voight - November 10, 2020
American actor and one of the last aliens to give Donald Trump head.
“My fellow Americans, there's a devil inside everyone. And most of you didn’t know me when I had the use of my brain. I was smart, and eloquent, and soft-spoken. Now I wonder, every hour of my life, why God put me in this miserable mental state. What’s that noise? Who’s there? I see pity in the eyes of my doctors. I see it in your eyes right now. But I start to think that maybe He brought me down for times like these when I need to be reminded who I truly am: a crazy old white guy who won't shut up. I'm here because I'm trying to tell people if I want to commit suicide I have plenty of reasons to do it right here and now. I don't have to lie about winning an election to find a reason to kill myself. What’s that noise? Who’s there? I'm doing battle with the world and everybody in it and this is my greatest fight since the Trojan War. The hard work of so many sacrificed by the disrespect of a few. You have to ask yourself: is it worth it? Because the day is coming when the Earth Maker is going to come down and look right in your fucking heart. And then you better know what it is you're doing. Are you a human being or just some hungry ghost out there? I like submarine commanders. They have no time for bullshit and neither do I. Truth is, I am one helluva stud, goddamnit, and women like me. Hell, only one thing I've ever been good for is lovin'. Women go crazy for me. Win, lose, what's the difference? Things are never what they seem. What’s that noise? Who the fuck is there?”
Jon Voight ended his life by talking himself and his night nurse to death.
The Suicide Note of Madison Cawthorn - November 9, 2020
American politician, member of the Republican Party and Mark Meadows' pet gerbil.
“Hey, losers! Watch this!”
Madison Cawthorn ended his life by bungee jumping from the Cape Fear Memorial Bridge in Wilmington, North Carolina to celebrate his 2020 congressional victory and forgetting to fasten the elastic cord to his ankles.
The Suicide Note of Kerri Kupac - November 8, 2020
Department of Justice spokesperson and past president of the Brett Kavanaugh Teen Fan Club
"Today, nearly four years after I coldly ended all relationships with individuals who once cared for me, I finally face justice. My appeals to take my own life have been upheld by the federal courts, supported on a bipartisan basis, sanctioned by Attorneys General under both Democratic and Republican and/or Klingon administrations, and approved by Stephen Miller's parents. This public capital punishment carried out in a prescribed form of my choosing shall be executed with all due diligence as an appropriate reminder that justice will be served regardless of any objections to the contrary which, at this precise moment, are non-existent.”
Kerri Kupac ended her life by lethal injection after strapping herself to a gurney at the Federal Correctional Complex in Terre Haute, Indiana.
The Suicide Note of Matt Gaetz - November 7, 2020
Republican congressman and former men's locker room attendant at Mar-a-Lago.
"Trump won this election, you assholes! Sure, I was drinking heavily when I ran that red light and hit that kid on his bike! I'm drinking heavily now! But I admit nothing! Nobody knows I buried him in a shallow grave in the Florida Keys! Shit happens when pricks don’t wear helmets! I was ten years old when I downed a six-pack, ate a dozen donuts for breakfast and watched my face swell like a goddamn zeppelin! Best fucking day of my life! Jesus Christ! Somebody just shit my pants! Fuck you, Ron Perlman!"
Matt Gaetz ended his life by locking himself in the trunk of his car and driving it off a cliff.