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.........Rep. Nancy Mace of South Carolina Backtracks On Alleged Handshake Assault: "I Was Just Trying To Point Out That Nobody Pays Attention To Me Anymore"...The Congresswoman Then Threw Up On Herself To Prove Her Point.........Pennsylvania Gov. Josh Shapiro Says America Does Not Kill People In Cold Blood To Express Policy Differences...Claims What We Did To Native Americans Doesn't Count Because "The Only Good Indian Is A Dead Indian".........Unable To Get Anyone To Go Down On Him, Senator Ted Cruz Attempts To Blow Himself...Claims He Mistook Himself For Someone Else...When Asked Who He Replied: "My Wife?".........NEW STUDY RELEASED: People Who Think Elon Musk Is Not A Stupid Rich Asshole Are Three Times More Likely To Throw Themselves Out A Window Than Those Who Believe His Face Resembles A Flat Tire.........Joe "Morning Joe" Scarborough Sues Simon & Garfunkel...Claims Pop Duo Libeled Him In Their 1966 Song "Scarborough Fair"...Denies Ever Having Affair With Deceased Actress Anne Bancroft...Recently Visited Trump In Mar-A-Lago And Returned Home Wearing A Sombrero.........Village People Lead Singer Victor Willis Insists His Song “Y.M.C.A.” Is Not A Gay Anthem...Says Trump (Who Is Gay) Can Play The Song At His Rallies Provided He Doesn't Dance: "Hey. The Man Moves Like Richard Simmons In A Fat Suit".........Smart Son Barron Trump Urges His Father To Shave His Head Like Joe Rogan And Do A Fireside Podcast Every Week: “The Guy's A Rich Bald Fat Man Who Talks Shit. I Mean, We Could Make A Fortune.”.........Senator Joe Manchin Wants Biden To Pardon Him...Says Living With Coal Dust In His Veins Has Turned His Piss Black: "I've Been An Obstructionist So Long Even My Bowels Have Stopped Moving".........Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich Plays Brunhilde In Revival Of Wagner's Götterdämmerung At The Kelsey Grammer Dinner Theater In Mar-A-Lago...Critics Rave: "It Ain't Over 'Til The Fathead Sings".........THIS JUST IN: Eric Trump Denies He’s Stupid...Struggles To Explain Why He Wears His Shoes On Wrong Feet.........Trump Survives Another Assassination Attempt After Being Served A Glass Of Water With No Discernible Trace Of Caramel Color, Aspartame, Phosphoric Acid, Potassium Benzoate, Natural Flavors, Citric Acid Or Caffeine.........Honey Baked Ham (formerly Donald Trump) Says He Plans To Invade New Mexico And Wage War On Its Illegal Food Cartels...Vows To Destroy The Enchilada Kingpins And Vicious Taco Truck Drivers Responsible For America's Hot Sauce Crisis...Told By Aides New Mexico Was Part Of The United States The Pretend President-Elect Suddenly Looked Directly Into The Sun And Saluted It.........2024 Election Results Threaten Family Thanksgiving Dinners As Members Who Voted For Kamala Harris Refuse To Sit At Same Table With Turkeys.........Millions Depressed Over Election Outcome Cancel Their Subscription Medications And Turn To Psychedelic And Dissociative Drugs...Millions More Binge Watch Hallmark Channel Movies And Start Hearing Voices...Director Ron Howard Purchases Film Rights To This News Ticker Just To Be On The Safe Side.........THIS JUST IN...Trump Nominates Allen Weisselberg To Head Government Office Of Management And Budget...Convicted Former Top Trump Accountant Says He's Already Begun Keeping Two Sets Of Books.........House Speaker Sherman (Formerly Mike Johnson) Calls Extra Press Conference To Publicly Announce: "A Dog Is A Dog And A Cat Is A Cat, And A Dog Cannot Become A Cat.”...Sherman, A Boy Adopted By A Dog (Mr. Peabody), Once Used The Wayback Machine To Travel Back In Time To San Francisco In 1973 And March In The Gay Freedom Day Parade, Dressed As A Cat.........NBA Opens Investigation After Basketball Great Wilt Chamberlain Who Died In 1999 Suddenly Returns From The Dead Too Late To Warn Americans Not To Vote For Donald Trump...Chamberlain Is The Fourth Famous Dead Person To Issue The Belated Warning In As Many Days...The Other Three Are: Teddy Roosevelt, Jimmy Durante, And Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.........Ultimate Fighting Championship CEO And President Dana White Brings Mixed Martial Arts Bout To Washington, D.C....Main Event Features Stupid Rich Asshole (Formerly Elon Musk) Against First Idiot Son Of Smells Like A Butt (Formerly Donald Trump, Jr)...Undercard Presents Dickless Hypocrite (Formerly Lindsey Graham) Versus Sherman (Formerly Mike Johnson), Adopted Son Of Mister Peabody............POST-ELECTION UPDATE...Convicted Assassin I Did It For My Country (formerly Sirhan Sirhan) Says If Someone Would Just Break Him Out Of Jail And Tell Him Where To Find Dead Worm In Brain (formerly Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.) He Would Be Happy To Speak With Him.........At Mar-A-Lago Gala, Popular Concussion Influencer Yo Adrian My Head Hurts (formerly Sylvester Stallone) Heaps Lavish Praise On Trump: "The Man Is Literally A Mythical Comic Book Character Bigger Than Joe Palooka Who I Could Have Beaten If Johnny Friendly Didn't Make Me Take A Dive In The Third Round"...The Pretend Boxer Then Proceeded To Knock Himself Out With A Left Hook.........I'm With Goofy (formerly Cheryl Hines), Alleged Wife Of Dead Worm In Brain (formerly Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.), Admits She Had Her Vocal Chords Removed "Just To Be On The Safe Side".........POST-ELECTION UPDATE...Trump Nominates Rudy Giuliani To Lead Newly Created 'Department Of Poor Excuses' (DOPE)...Former Mayor Immediately Blames Flatulence On Rigged Election.........House Speaker Mike Johnson Displays 'New Gay In America' Sign And Outs Himself On Capitol Steps...Admits Tradwife Was A Beard And Five Children Just Cosplayers From 'Children Of The Corn' Convention.........Dead Worm In Brain (formerly Robert F. Kennedy, Jr.) Plans To Replace All Pharmacies In U.S. With Drive-In Movie Snack Bars Offering Fluoride-Free Popcorn, Anti-Vax Nachos And Perforated Condoms.........POST-ELECTION UPDATE...Trump Receives Third Purple Heart After Falling Out Of Bed And Breaking His Nose On Melania's Fist.........HBO Cancels 'Real Time With Bill Maher' Citing Low Intellectual Desire And Premature Exasperation...Maher Complains Of Erection Interference...Vows Not To Leave: "I May Not Be As Funny Or Good-Looking As John Oliver But I've Smoked Way Too Much Shit To Start Accepting Reality Now.........POST-ELECTION UPDATE...Swift Action By Mitch McConnell Averts Catastrophe...Awakened Suddenly From Nap On Senate Floor, 148-Year-Old Minority Leader Announces He Smells Gas...Capitol Police Quickly Evacuate Everyone In Building Except McConnell.........ELECTION UPDATE...Massive Caravan Of Stupid People Invade America...Elect Idiot President...Again...Asylum Escapees Overrun Borders And Launch Full-Scale Assault On Nation's Diminished Intelligence...Millions Display Alarming Abnormal Mental Patterns...Millions More Reveal Disturbing Inability To Learn Anything...Victorious Trump Supporters Party In The Streets...Wear Tin Foil Hats And Drink From Sippy Cups.........ELECTION UPDATE...The Wives, Mistresses, Girlfriends And Teenage Victims Of Tucker Carlson, Newt Gingrich, Sean Hannity and Matt Gaetz All Say They Voted For Kamala Harris...The Four Men Point Fingers At Each Other Before Throwing Themselves Under A Bus Driven By Melania.........PRE-ELECTION UPDATE... After Getting Blown By Elon Musk Joe Rogan Explains Why He Endorses Trump: "If It Looks Like Shit, Smells Like Shit, Feels Like Shit, And Tastes Like Shit, I Figure I'm Smart Enough Not To Step In It."........In Last Ditch Effort To Win Every Swing State, Trump Drops J.D. Vance As Running Mate And Offers Job To Bandleader Benny 'The Swing King' Goodman Who Died In 1986...Says He Fully Expects To Meet With Goodman "Very Soon".........Latest Poll Indicates Trump Caught In Statistical Dead Heat With His Hair...Other Data Suggests He Leads His Growing Waistline By A Wide Margin But Trails Badly Behind His Dangerously Expansive Butt........Trump Visits Wizard Of Oz Museum In Wamego, Kansas...Promises To Protect Munchkins From Flying Monkeys "Whether They Like It Or Not"...Claims Wizard Gave Him A Brain But Scarecrow Stole It.........Billionaire Trump Supporter Howard Nutlick Changes His Name To Match His Behavior...Admits He Doesn't Know A Vaccine From A Hole In RFK Jr's Head But Thanks God His Money Still Talks Like A Ventriloquist's Dummy.........Dunkin' Donuts Launches "Free Donut Wednesdays" Followed By "Free Coronary Stent Thursdays"...Plans To Introduce "Free Memorial Service Fridays" By End Of The Year.........Steve Bannon Holds Press Conference After Being Released From Jail...Says He's Thrilled To Be Back Stumping For Trump But Hopes He Won't Have To Bend Over Anymore And Pretend To Like It.........Trump Warns People Living Rent Free In His Head To Pay Up Or Get Out...Holds Gun To His Own Head And Threatens To Shoot Obama If He Doesn't Leave.........Dr. Phil Rushed To Hospital For Emergency Surgery...Ruptures Double Hernia After Attempting To Push Back Against Cancel Culture...Also Has Head Examined After He Tries To Operate On Himself.........The Archdiocese Of Los Angeles Agrees To Pay $800 Million To 1,353 People Abused By Catholic Priests...According To Archbishop Jose Gomez: "With That Kind Of Payout I Feel Certain We Could Have Gotten Shohei Ohtani To Sign With Us Instead Of The Dodgers.".........Award-Winning YU News Advice Columnist Amy Aske (Don't Aske Me) Offers Pre-Holiday Guidance: "Start Nagging People Now About The Gifts They Didn't Give You".........U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham Of South Carolina Claims Everyone Is Wrong But Him...Says He's Faithfully Performed Fellatio On Corporate Donors For Over 30 Years: "It's all Very Quiet Stuff, Like A New Pair Of Hush Puppies--This Is Off The Record, Right?".........U.S. Senator Ted Cruz Of Texas Wants People To Stop Asking Him Questions: “I'm Trying To Run A Serious Campaign. If You Want Answers Go Ask Fucking Alexa."...When Asked To Define "Serious" Cruz Proceeded To Shave His Legs.........Former Congresswoman Tulsi Gabbard of Hawaii Says She Plans To Join The Republican Party As Soon As She Returns From The Planet Dipshit In The Nestlé Crunch Galaxy.........Trump Campaign Update...Coming Off A Stint Working The French Fry Machine At McDonalds, Trump Takes Job As Lion Tamer With Ringling Bros. And Barnum & Bailey Circus...Locked In Cage With 12 Tigers And Only A Bible And A Can Of Diet Coke...Lasts Less Than A Minute Before Soiling His Unisex Stretch Pants...Circus Spokesperson Eliott Sprinkle Who Asked To Remain Anonymous Said: "He (Trump) Took The Lion Tamer Job Because We Simply Didn't Need Anymore Clowns.........Trump Biblical Press Secretary Karoline Leviticus Says Trump Graciously Provides A Way For Enemies From Within To Live In His Holy Presence...Commands Lunatic Left To "Love Your Trump As Yourself".........Medical Emergency At Trump Rally...Hundreds Of People Pass Out And Remain Hospitalized After Trump Sucks All The Air Out Of The Room............The Texas Association Of Barbequed Beef Growers Says It Will Meet With Officials Of The National Endowment For The Arts In An Attempt To Determine Fair And Just Compensation For Wartime Atrocities.........In Final Bid To Stave Off Irrelevancy, Geraldo Rivera Stands On Roof Of His Apartment Building And Announces His Endorsement Of Kamala Harris...Eager Crowds Gather On The Street Below Urging Him To Jump.........U.S. Supreme Court Rules 4-3 That Smashed Avocado And Banana Go Best With Bagels...Justices Alito And Thomas Both Recuse Themselves After Revealing Personal Relationship With Large Tub Of Cream Cheese........Kamala Harris Releases Her Medical Records And Trump Releases His Golf Score...Claims No One In History Has Ever Played A Lower Round Of Golf Than Him ...Doctor Ronny Jackson, Trump's Personal Caddy, Confirms Trump Had 4 Holes-In-One, 10 Birdies, 3 Eagles And 1 Albatross Around His Neck...Suffered An Extra Stroke On The Back Nine When He Saw The Latest Polls.........Mysterious Plagues Overwhelm Mar-A-Lago... Republican Donors Break Out In Boils During Fundraising Dinner....Trump Tells Guests That Lice, Flies, Frogs And Locusts Are Signs God Has Chosen Him To Lead America Out Of Egypt...Says Water Turning To Blood Is Safe To Drink And To Ignore The Darkness.........National Weather Forecast: Steady Stream Of Bullshit By Early Morning...Continuous Flow Of Hostile Behavior By Mid-Afternoon...Expect Low IQs And Increased Chance Of Armed Mobs By Late Evening.........Trump Campaign Spokesturd Steven "Fredo" Cheung Denies He's A "Sleazebag And A Stupid Shit With No Personality"...Slumps Down In Chair And Pouts: "I'm Smart! Not Like Everybody Says...Like Dumb... I'm Smart And I Want Respect!".........Undecided Voters Are Still Undecided About Who To Vote For With Most Being Undecided About Being Undecided...Many Undecided Plan To Remain Undecided Until After The Election In Order To Decide Or Not Decide To Stay Undecided Before They Decide To Do Anything.........Elon Musk Takes Full Credit For Saving Free Speech In America...Claims He Found It Floating Face Down In His Swimming Pool And Gave It Month-To-Month Resuscitation...Says A Full Recovery Is Possible But Only If People Stop Calling Him Asshole.........Pete Rose Deathbed Confession: "I Only Bet On Baseball Games After The Games Were Over"...Admits His Bookie Always Took His Money But Never Paid Up.........J.D. Vance Denies Growing Same Beard Presently Worn By Ted Cruz...Says Cruz Only Loaned Him Part Of His Mustache...Admits To Borrowing Nose Hairs From Donald Trump Jr.........Israel Rigs Communion Wafers To Explode During Mass At Catholic Church In Gaza...Body Of Christ Blown Into Thousands Of Pieces...Vatican Vows Holy War...Blames Jews For Killing Jesus Again.........Trump Says He Survived Assasination Attempts Because God Spared His Life...God Refutes Claim: "I May Be Omnipotent But I'm Not Stupid".........GOP Senator John Kennedy Of Louisiana Says He Hides His Head In A Feed Bag Of Corn Chips And Bone Meal Every Day...Claims He Wrote "Profiles In Courage" And Is Married To Jackie...Showed Reporters The Hole In Back Of His Head Where Bullet Exited...Currently Under Restraining Order To Keep Away From Kennedy Compound In Hyannis Port.........Stouffer's Macaroni & Cheese Whiz Frozen Dinner Endorses Donald Trump For President...Follows Yesterday's Endorsement By Campbell's Chunky Cream Of Potato & Dumplings Soup.........Elon Musk Inadvertently Shut Down Himself Today And Banned Everyone From His Social Life After Unplugging A Toaster Attached To His Life Support System.........Suspect Caught With Assault-Style Hunting Rifle On Trump's Golf Course Says He Thought Trump Was A Badly Wounded Walrus And Simply Wanted To Put It Out Of Its Misery.........Trump Campaign Adviser And Former Arched Eyebrow Influencer Laura Loomer Claims Trump Received Only The Answers Before Debate With Harris And Not The Questions.........Man Missing For Decades Found Alive In Bathroom At Mar-A-Lago...Unconfirmed Reports Say Man May Be Former Teamster President Jimmy Hoffa..........Uneducated Americans Demand Loan Forgiveness For Buying SUVs.........Trump Proposes Debate With Harris On Stage At Andy Williams Dinner Theater In Branson, Missouri Sometime Between The Second Course And Dessert...Wants All Fact Checking Done In Real Time By Roy Cohn..........In Final Bid To Claim Victory In 2020 Election Trump Petitions Supreme Court To Rule That He Is Joe Biden And That Mike Pence Is A Woman Of Negro Descent..........Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh Maintains He Never Had Sexual Intercourse With Anyone And Denies Knowing What A Penis Is...Maintains His Wife Is Lying.........Trump Accuses Former FBI Director James Cagney Of Being A Terrible Dancer In Yankee Doodle Dandy...Claims He Fired Cagney After He Stole Academy Award From Him.........Dozens More Bodies Found In Hoboken, New Jersey Public Library’s Frank Sinatra Collection With Many Identified As Victims With Overdue Fines.........2000-Year-Old Mummified Dog Discovered In Egyptian Tomb Identified As Remains Of Florida Governor Ron DeSantis.........Auction Of Charlton Heston Memorabilia Includes His Unwashed Loincloth Worn in Planet Of The Apes, Every Tortured Line He Spoke In Ben Hur, And Actual Gun Pried From His Cold Dead Hands.........Latest Reported Sighting Of Deceased Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia Places Him At Italian Street Festival In Philadelphia Dressed As Organ Grinder.........Far-Right French Perrenial Fruitcake Party Candidate Marine Le Pen In Early Stage of Dementia...Blames Illness On Years Of Watching Jerry Lewis Movies.........Pope Francis Creates Pontifical Commission To Study Sexual Abuse of Children...Thousands Of Priests Ask To Be Appointed.........Former Misdirected Anger Management Pro John McEnroe Released From Hospital After Successful Surgery To Remove Swollen Object In His Shorts......Man Eating Salami Sandwich In Park Files Complaint Against Mother Nursing Infant In Public......Mother Nursing Infant in Park Files Complaint Against Man Eating Salami Sandwich In Public........