December 12, 2000YU News Dispatch 001 Yossarian Universal News Service 121200 00:94: 9 PM PST START
SUPREME COURT GIVES PRESIDENCY TO BRAIN DAMAGED SON OF GEORGE H. BUSH Justice Antonin Scalia Defends His Right To Vote For A Solution That Will Further His Own Career
Washington, DC (YU) -- In a landmark decision that many legal experts predict will help even more qualified idiots, morons and psychopaths get elected to higher office, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled today that Americans have no clear, constitutional right to vote for president, and even if they did, their vote wouldn't entitle them to elect someone who might win if all the votes were actually counted anyway. By a narrow margin of 5-4, the Justices halted the recount of Florida's contested presidential ballots and settled the 2000 presidential election in favor of Republican candidate George W. Bush, the legally brain-dead, half-son/man-cub of former President George H. Bush who is, himself, a dues-paying Freemason. In issuing the ruling, the high court split along familiar lines, with Chief Justice William Rehnquist and Justices Clarence Thomas, Antonin Scalia, Sandra Day O'Connor and Anthony Kennedy concurring, and Justices John Paul Stevens, David H. Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Stephen Breyer dissenting by default, after being asleep during most of the proceedings. According to the decision, the majority was quite impressed by the logic of George W. Bush's legal android, Jim Baker, a successful robo-lawyer, programmed to repeat the same accusation until it gets what it wants. Baker, who had arranged a secret, late-night meeting with the five Justices after the other four had gone to bed, kept uttering the phrase, “The Democrats are stealing the presidency,” over and over and over again until, after twelve straight hours, all five Justices agreed that the best person to run the country was a man who believes that fish are fruit that grow on trees. After the ruling, none of the Justices would comment on the case for fear that the truth might be put into a proper context and construed as something they were actually hoping to avoid. However, later in the day at a local piano bar in downtown Washington , Justice Antonin Scalia, who spearheaded the move to give the presidency to George W. Bush, was unusually talkative and uncharacteristically sincere as he agreed to discuss the controversial decision. Appearing relaxed and playful as he danced on a table wearing a rhinestone tiara and a maroon, sequined teddy, Scalia was quick to remind everyone that today's high court ruling would eventually lead to his coronation as the nation's first openly Italian-American Chief Princess of the Supreme Court. Raising a glass of wine, he then proposed a toast in his native tongue, saying, “Io sono appena un grande felice piccolo ragazza,” which, loosely translated, means, “I'm just one big happy little girl.” He was unable to finish, however, when he accidentally slipped and fell off the table after being hit in the head by an empty beer bottle thrown by one of his supporters.
YU News Dispatch 001 Yossarian Universal News Service 121200 00:94: 9 PM PST END
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